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The Simmies: JR Smith Memes, Ewing High-Tops and The Buffet of Goodness | 95-96 Knicks vs. 15-16 Cavs

Nolan Kelly



The worst team in the entire bracket vs. one of the favorites. It played true to form, with the Cavs going up early and never looking back. The Knicks are just one of those all-time character teams, but they weren’t on the level of the NBA champs from 2015-16.

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The Winning Picks

Nicknames, Ranked

Do college nicknames count? Cause the Hoya Destroya is pretty good. It evokes memories of an up-and-coming 1930s middleweight outta Hooverville. Just an absolute sorry state of affairs on the Knicks, I’m afraid to say. Very few to choose from. Anthony Mason? Mase. Charles Oakley? Oak. How was Herb Williams not called ‘Love Bug’? Most disappointing Knicks news since the birth of James Dolan.

The 15-16 Cavs, on the other hand, are a smorgasbord of nickname goodness, taking up most of the top nicknames on the slate.

  1. Outback Jesus (Matthew Dellavedova)
  2. The Buffet of Goodness (Channing Frye)
  3. Beef Jerky Joe (Joe Harris)
  4. Sideshow Bob (Anderson Varejao)
  5. The Hoya Destroya (Patrick Ewing)

Honorable Mention:

Chinese MJ. In 2011 during the lockout JR Smith dropped 52 points, 22 boards and 7 steals in one game for the Zhejiang Cyclones. In another game, he went for 60. There’s probably an 80-foot statue of him in Eastern China, somewhere.

Nickname Histories

You might ask yourself, how does one acquire the nickname ‘Buffet of Goodness’? Channing Frye’s mom has the answer:

“[Channing] used to call himself the buffet, the buffet of goodness. That’s what he did in Portland, that was his nickname, buffet of goodness. At a buffet you get a little bit of everything. I don’t think people understood that nickname, but I did because I’ve seen him be able to play it all. He can play as a big man, he’s so agile, he can play outside, he can play midrange. In Portland he really had that midrange shot. He was like a LaMarcus Aldridge.”

Game Summary in a Sentence

“Will the Knicks score this quarter (laughter), of course they will.”

*Four minutes later*

“What you are seeing here on this stream, you are witnessing history. Possibly the worst opening quarter of any team ever…”

8.6 seconds away from history. On a ticky-tack foul. 21-1  for the Cavs after one quarter

NBA history moment: Fewest points in a quarter in NBA history? Two. 1997 Mavs, 2004 Warriors.

Best One-Off

“Guys, we are starting the second quarter with the Knicks on a 1-0 run.” – Dan

Jeff Van Gundy Look-Alike Contest

There’s no denying that Dan Strafford is Van Gundy’s long lost nephew.

Vancouver Grizzly of the Night

You sick of these yet? Well, too damn bad because I lost my basketball team and I’m still not over it.

Tonight is a special one, my friends. The OG Grizzly, Greg Anthony, who was selected second overall in the 1995 NBA expansion draft behind Bulls point guard B.J. Armstrong. The Raptors lost the draft toss, allowing Brainiac Stu Jackson to pass up on Mighty Mouse, Damon Stoudamire, in favor of the fourth-laziest man in the history of the NBA.

Anthony started 68 games for the Grizzlies the following season, averaging 14 points and six assists while totaling 4.8 win shares — literally 33% of the Grizzlies wins that season (is that the highest win share total by percentage ever?).

Look at the heart and passion on display here against his old Knicks team in 1995-96. He finished with 18 and seven on 70% shooting. He actually got some garbage time minutes tonight. Beautiful.

The 1995-96 Knicks

It’s easy to get these 90s incarnations mixed up. This was the version that had to suffer through the most dominant 10 seconds in NBA history. Miller Time and the missed Ewing lay-up in Game 7. Spike Lee, Reggie, Cheryl. Just watch the doc.

This is an all-time iconic team, though. Don’t care if they never won a title. Some of the toughest SOBs to ever take the court. The poster team for a different era of tough-nosed basketball. Oakley. Starks. Mason. Ewing. Harper.

And how many teams had THREE big rivals from one generation? Pacers. Heat. Bulls.

The 2015-16 Cavs

We all remember The Block. The redemption. A title for Cleveland. Huge dogs. One for the ages. The consensus best NBA Finals of the century, to date.

And what a cast of characters. J.R. Smith, Anderson Varajeao, Delly and there’s a Kardashian in there somewhere too.

Best JR Smith Moments

  1. When he walked off the court during a game to hug Jason Terry.

  1. That time he live-tweeted he was going for a bike ride and a bunch of people followed him around.
  2. The meme to end all memes
  3. JR Smith, still shirtless.
  4. The time he threw a bowl of soup at Damon Jones and got suspended. More memes followed.

Best J.R. Smith Meme

Maybe the greatest meme of all time.

Vintage Shoe Alert

Just look at these beauts. Ewing 33 Hi’s

The More You Know!

The 1985 NBA draft was the first major sport to use a lottery system. Conspiracy theories exist to this day, and for good reason. The league’s TV deal was up with CBS and they desperately wanted a star in their biggest market, not, say, in Sacramento, the city and team with the best odds of winning the draft.

Just look at this ridiculous video. Stern watches carefully and then reaches in, sifts through three cards, and grabs the one with the bended corner. It’s like when you were five years old and you did a card trick for your parents. Fast forward to the 30 second mark.

Best “HE was on that team?”

Honors tonight go to coaching legend, and father of Austin, Doc Rivers, who was badass in his own right, playing second fiddle to Dominique Wilkins on the Hawks for much of the 1980s. By 1994-95, Doc was 33 years old and one year away from retirement. He was traded midseason to the Spurs and never got to enjoy the that famous Pacers vs. Knicks series of epicness.

Doc’s actual name, by the way? Glenn Anton. And the story behind it is pretty good. It was given to him by famed Utah Utes legend and then-Marquette head coach Rick Majerus, because Glenn showed up to practice one day in a Dr. J t-shirt. He’s been Doc ever since.

The Bracket

Tomorrow Night’s Game

Just a beauty tomorrow. 86-87 Lakers vs. 01-02 76ers. Same time, same channel

I've been obsessed with fantasy sports since as long as I can remember. Back in 1993, while seated in the last row of Mr. MacMillan's math class, I'm fairly certain a few buddies of mine and I invented daily fantasy sports -- popping down our fivers and using nothing more than a newspaper box score, we'd make our NHL player picks for the night's action. Twenty years later I started out playing DFS on DraftStreet, when three-max tourneys with 490 people were a big deal, and I've been hooked ever since. More than anything, I'm interested in getting better as a player, and in helping you become a better player. Armed with Awesemo's grades and the projections from our experts, we're here to help you take the next step. You can contact me by emailing