So, everyone I know is talking about needing a mask to help flatten the curve tracking the spread of COVID -19. All the doctors, all my friends, my mom. Really, Mom, I get it. I promise. In fact, pretty much everyone in charge, with the obvious exception of (Editor’s Note: Don’t get political), has been recommending that Americans in every state start wearing a cloth mask when they leave the house.
I’ll confess, I didn’t feel like this applied to me. I’m not too old, not too young. I’m the type to expect I’ll be fine going to the grocery store without a mask, “particularly if everyone else is wearing one,” I’ve been known to say, ignorantly. The thing is, it’s not about me getting sick. It’s about asymptomatic spread. That means people with no symptoms can spread the disease. It means you might have it right now and not feel ill at all. You might never experience strong symptoms, even as the virus runs its full course. Lucky you! Your grandma would be so proud! Of course, I hope you didn’t see her during the last two weeks while you had the virus and didn’t know it. Because you were fully contagious, and it’s potentially very deadly for Grandma. Also, stay away from old people! You know, for now. Not always. And just stay home, dummy!
COIVD-19 is spread primarily through droplets contained in exhalation, bodily fluid and all the pleasant things we tend to share with one another. It can survive on a hard surface for up to a few days. Wearing a thin cloth mask isn’t going to stop you from contracting the virus if you happen to walk through a cloud of someone else’s droplets. What it will do, however, is keep your droplets in your face, where they won’t land on surfaces and linger for days, infecting everyone that comes in contact, should you happen to be sick and not know it. If you must get selfish about things, it could also help prevent you from touching your own face after touching someone’s droplets. I can’t wait to stop talking about other people’s droplets for a while, but, as the great Ty Webb once told Danny Noonan, “me winning isn’t, you do.”
DFS Sidebar: Speaking of Ty, if you didn’t see it, FanDuel is running a simulated Masters tournament in which fictional, long-dead and de-aged classic stars are participants. My top choices from among those players, with zero context about how they’re rated vs others …
Real Players: Jack Nicklaus ($11,900), the all-time Masters wins record holder with six, 15 top-fives, 22 top-10s; Ben Hogan ($11,400), two wins, nine top-fives, 17 top-10s, Arnold Palmer ($10,900), four wins, nine top-fives, 12 top-10s. No offense to more classic deceased golfers, but the heartstring choice is Payne Stewart ($7,200) here. Before his tragic death in a bizarre plane incident, Stewart had won a PGA Championship and two U.S. Opens, while endearing himself to fans with his unique throwback style of knickers, plaids and flat caps.
Fictional Characters: Roy “Tin Cup” McAvoy ($7,000), sure he’s just a driving range pro, but he qualified for, and damn near won, a U.S. Open. That makes him a contender. Just hope he doesn’t blow up for a 12 on one hole or decide to play a day hungover. Ty Webb ($7,000), the nonsensical millionaire playboy from “Caddyshack” will be being the ball through all four days of the tournament. His masterful short game and ability to drain putts blindfolded from anywhere on the green, without stopping to even look at the cup, should play well at Augusta. Played by 6-foot-4 Chevy Chase, Webb measures himself against other golfers “by height,” so he shouldn’t be rattled by the big stage. Shooter McGavin ($7,200) is my contrarian pick. Everyone wants to play Happy Gilmore; he’s going to be massively overowned. One good week on the Tour doesn’t convince me he’s learned anything, and Gilmore’s lack of a short-game and any reasonable ability to putt are going to cost him mightily here. Shooter, on the other hand, is a pro’s pro with all his closest competitors acknowledging that he was on pace for the 1996 Tour Championship before Gilmore and his band of freaks arrived on the scene. Play the talent, fade the hype. Shooter! (imagine finger-guns…)
So, simple enough, right? Wear a mask when you leave the house. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you’re wildly unprepared for all of this. Still. I don’t have a mask, and if someone tried to sell me one, I’d steal it from them and donate it to a local healthcare worker. But knowing I needed something in order to take the poor dog out and be able to go buy food, I was forced to get a bit creative. I think you can too!
Full disclosure, I’m not an overly “handy” guy. I can get some things done around the house. I’m great with duct tape. I can change a doorknob, provided you don’t mind using the key upside-down every time. If I had to face a dystopian wasteland though? I’m done for. Sure, friends and I have had a plan for the eventual zombie apocalypse wherein we retreat to a nearby island and blow the bridges, but I’ve said too much about that already. The point is, I’m in no way handy. Or artsy. Or craftsy. You wouldn’t see me at a Michael’s or a Hobby Lobby, for several separate reasons we don’t need to get into here. Making something out of something else? Not my forte. So, if I can do this, without thinking it through beforehand at all, anyone can do this. And do it better!
Step 1: Find an old hat. Or a new hat. A hat you don’t mind cutting into pieces and reconstituting as something else. Maybe it’s got your favorite team’s logo on it. Maybe it’s got a logo of a team you liked when you were a kid and because they were the front-runner. Perhaps it’s from some team you never liked, but an ex gave it to you, so you had to wear it for a while but now it’s covered in dust. Just get a hat. Every guy I know has multiple hats that he never wears or thinks about. In my case it was a plain black dirty old hat I found on a shelf.
 Step 2: If the hat has a snap-back, cut off the plastic pieces. If it has a fitted back, find the middle seam in the back and cut down it, about 1 inch, across the inner headband. Making a left or right turn with your scissors, cut along the top of the band, so that you’re detaching the band from the inner circle of cloth that would be atop your head.
Cut off the “brim” or “bill” or whatever they called it where you grew up. Speaking of which: soda, not pop; sneakers not tennis shoes; and hero, not hoagie, sub, grinder, sinker, or wedge.
You should find yourself left with a full length of headband, a brim, and the body of the hat.
Step 3: This part takes a little trial and error. We want to staple the strap to the sides of the body of the hat, so that it can tuck over your ears and stay put on your face. Hold the body of the hat over your nose and mouth, covering your face, down to below your chin, just like a mask. Find the point to attach the strap on one side and wrap the strap around your head to where it will connect on the other.
Don’t: Staple both sides before measuring your big fat head.
Don’t: Staple both sides a second time without realizing it not only has fit around your face, but also over the top of your head once it’s attached. Leave some slack.
Do: Staple with the sharp part of the staples so they face out, AWAY from where your face will be.
Do: Feel free to try a smarter, better, stronger, safer approach to attaching the strap. That stick-on Velcro comes to mind.
Also pictured: a different dirty old plain black hat.
Step 4: Unless you have an exceptionally large face, you’ll notice quickly that the body of what was once a hat is way bigger than it needs to be. Folding and cutting are your friends here. If you fold from the top down to the end of your nose, you’ll be off to a good start, then you can shape around the edges and thin out the strap over the ears. Congratulations! You’re now ready to go out and fight crime as a masked vigilante!
I know for sure that most of you can execute this a LOT better than I did in those pictures. Hell, your kids can probably do it better, but it’s not about looking good. If we each take five minutes to do something as simple and silly as this, we can actually make a difference.
So, go ahead, find that dirty old hat in the back of your closet. The one your weird aunt brought you from the San Diego Zoo that you never wear. Or your 3rd favorite hat of the team you really like, so you can plan and end up with a badass-looking mask with your favorite team on it. Show off, do something cool with it, tweet pics back. We can’t wait to see!
